10 Things I Want Every Parent To Know About Social Media
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"I find that parents just don’t realize the impact their child’s cell phone may be having, and how could they?.."
Working with teenagers has allowed me to enter into a world I never knew I wanted to learn about. As a mother, it brought up a lot of uneasy feelings. What would I do when my kids asked me for a cell phone or told me that they wanted to be on social media? Having teenager after teenager walk into my office and tell me the same story of feeling depressed and anxious and not seeing any connection to how much they are being harmed by their social media use, was very eye opening. I find that parents just don’t realize the impact their child’s cell phone may be having, and how could they? Had I not had the honor to work as therapist I may have never realized the impact of social media. For this reason, I want to empower parents and teens to become more aware of how much technology may be effecting their mood.
Here are 10 things I want parents to know about social media:
1. Set Limits, and Parental Controls.
Do not be ashamed to be the only parent that has not allowed your 7th grader to have a new phone, or the parent that insists on having full access to your high schoolers’ cell phone. Set limits, and parental controls. You are the parent; your job is to protect your child.
2. Talk to other parents.
Ask what their rules are on cell phones and social media. No one wants their child to be left out, video games and social media are becoming a means to socialize. When your child was 4 and he or she was invited over to a friends house for play date, would you have let him/her go without knowing the parents or the family? Know your child’s friends, and their parents. Call them, introduce yourself when you see them. Nourishing a community-oriented environment will make those uncomfortable, or harder conversations easier to have.
3. Bedtime is not social time.
Back in the old days when phones rang in an entire house and land lines were real-would you have been allowed to call someone’s house after 10:00pm on a school night? Would you have had the nerve to call a friend’s house late at night and wake their parents? I would be willing to bet many of us had basic rules because our phones were shared with our family members and we did not want to run the risk of making our friends home phone ring late at night. Today, this dinosaur is one I miss. Not only are cell phones and social media impacting sleep habits (another cause/ symptom of increased anxiety and depression) they are allowing socializing to happen more than parents know about. Make your child turn in their cell phone every evening at the same time. They can leave it charging in the parents room and pick it up the next morning.
4. Know what your child has access to.
Sometimes ignorance is bliss, especially when you are 12. Where were you when you first learned about sex? Maybe you were the perfect child that let your parents actually have “ the talk” with you, or maybe you heard about it through a friend? You had a vague idea of what sex was, and it was enough to not be socially awkward and engage in slumber party pillow talk. Not today- social media and access to the internet allows a 12 year old to not only know about sex, but know about porn and sexual terms. Natural curiosity in a child with access to certain sites and the internet fosters the loss of innocence at a much younger age. Know what your child has access to. Who are they following and what are they seeing?
5. Getting left out happens to everyone in life, but social media begets a new level of being left out.
Imagine a time you learned you weren’t invited to a birthday party and it felt like everyone else was. Something that happens to everyone in life. We cannot escape this reality. The older generations can probably quickly recall times they have been left out and hurt. What I doubt they would remember, are vivid details of the events they were left out of. Thanks to social media this is now the reality teenagers, or anyone with social media is facing. Not only are they feeling left out, they are watching every detail of the party continually unfold in front of them. As one of my teenage clients reported, “I feel like I have to watch because I feel so much better when I know the party's over. I know I am not being left out anymore”. It is impossible to shield your child from this reality of life. What is possible is encouraging them to put their phone down at events and enjoy the moment without streaming it live. The more we encourage mindfulness, and being present, the happier our children will be. Encourage your child to take a social media break. Delete the app from their phone and notice how they feel for a week. Do as you say, and put your own phone down to set an example.
6. Filters are for wrinkles, not teenagers.
Not only are kids watching parties unfold in front of their eyes, they are watching it through a filter which makes everyone look that much “better” than them. No one is uploading images of themselves with acne, or in a bad light with no makeup on. In fact, there is a filter that makes you look like you have makeup on already so why bother? The pressure to keep up with superficial expectations is at an all time high. Gone are the days of taking your disposable camera to a drug store to be developed and hoping you don’t look fat or your nose doesn’t look too big when you view the pictures for the first time in the store. It is so easy to delete, re-frame, filter, and upload only the best sides of you. That ease is great for my increasing wrinkles as I age, but it is causing more harm to our youths’ developing sense of self. How can you help? Your kids are watching- if you are always taking pictures yourself and commenting on how awful you look or asking to take another, they hear that message. Society will give them the message loud and clear, make home a place they do not get the message that looking perfect in a picture is a way of life.
7. More followers, more ‘money’.
The drive to get more followers, more likes, more shares, and more comments can become an addiction. The brain releases addictive happy hormones when they see how many people have viewed their story or liked their image. The stimulation feels so good they want to get more, and when they don’t, they feel lower than before. It is like a drug. There are social media influencers who are paid to post on their page, and this seems like a dream job to many- make money to post on social media, who wouldn’t want to do this? All they need are more followers,likes and shares. This, I fear is correlated with what parents of teenagers often tell me “they don’t ever seem to want to do anything, ever, at all” Why would they? They have fun on their phones, social feedback and stimulation at their fingertips. Happy hormones like dopamine and endorphins are easily stimulated on social media and playing sports or joining a club doesn’t interest them as much. If your child has experienced a of loss interest in activities, I would empower you not only to find a therapist for them, but to remove certain phone privileges for an extended period of time and see if there is a change.
8. It is not all bad, and it’s not all good.
Find a balance, or a middle path. Social media has brought so many people together in so many great ways. It has allowed people to raise awareness around important issues and raise money for causes important to them. I see the benefits of social media. What I don’t see are enough parents taking a good look at how much it may be impacting their child’s overall mental health. We are living in an age where information is always at our fingertips . Sometimes information is a great thing, but for children, adolescents and teenagers with developing brains, too much of a good thing becomes a dangerous thing. Setting screen time limits per day and researching parental controls will help you find this middle path.
9. The paparazzi is not just in Hollywood!
Everyone is a photographer is an old saying now a days. When phones became cameras we saw the impact of privacy being a thing of the past. When phones became video cameras, everyone became a miniature news media outlet. Everyone is like a news broadcaster streaming live right into your home, privacy is a foreign subject. Kids, and teenagers make mistakes, and many times they make impulsive choices. Their friends are all there to video tape them making mistakes, and the internet is there to stream it live and forever store it.
10. Do not be afraid to have a serious talk about social media safety with your kids.
Please do not be afraid to be the only parent that does not allow your child to go to bed with their IPhone, because they claim it will hold them back socially. Find a balance, and set boundaries. Your kids deserve it. They may not like it, but they will adapt. You are the parent, you owe it to your child to teach them about internet safety just as you have taught them how to cross the road safely, ride a bike or learn to swim. The internet does not have to be a scary place, if we set rules and boundaries. Become a student of the times and read about whats out there. If you are looking to hear it from teenagers themselves, I highly recommend this Wall Street Journal article and video by Julie Jargon, When Social Media Is Too Much, Some Teens Tune Out, where she took the time to sit down and ask teenagers what was really going on with social media. We are never too old or wise to stop learning, especially when it comes to learning how to help our children.