10 Thoughts For Parents Going Through A Divorce
© Photo by Victoria Borodinova.
Children thrive on routine and schedules. They crave consistency, even during times of inconsistency. A divorce, or separation, is a time of drastic change and can evoke emotional chaos. Whether parents have decided to split 50 50 custody, or live in the two different states, they must find a way to create a new normal for the children. It may feel like all of the changes will never end, but just because the schedule is new, does not mean it cannot be predictable. Keeping a consistent schedule will help your children process this massive shift in your lives.
Here are 10 ways to help your children adjust to divorce:
1. Do not try and make up for what your child has lost with monetary items.
No vacation, toy, car, or IPhone will make up for the pain and discomfort that comes with divorce. And that’s is okay. Teaching your children to numb their feelings with “things” or treats only sets them up for poor behavior in the future. Trying to one up your ex by buying them more, or taking them on the next best vacation will cultivate a toxic environment for everyone. If you would not have bought them that toy/phone/treat before your separation, do not change the game on them now.
2. Don’t speak poorly about your ex or the ex’s family.
You may have never liked your in-laws. You may be jumping for joy that you no longer have to be with your extended family. Your child is half of those genes. They do not get to divorce your in-laws. They deserve the right to form their own opinions about your ex and their family. Let them.
3. Listen to what your children are saying..
..And try and remove your personal biases and emotions from how you respond. This is very hard for parents, because parents are grieving and going through a major loss. Letting your children feel heard, without trying to solve every problem they are having will allow them to recognize their feelings and process easier.
4. Help them define a new normal.
Life and family will not be the same as it once was(and maybe that is a good thing) but help them see what routines, people, places, and activities will be the same. Find consistency in small places.
5. When they ask questions-answer them as honestly as possible- at a level they can understand.
It is instinctual to protect your children and try and hide details. If a child is asking you a question about their new life, answer them. Do not tell them “don’t you worry about that”. Just their asking implies they are worrying about it, validate them with an answer. Be as honest as age appropriate. Wouldn’t you rather they ask you over making up the answers in their head or search the internet, or ask your ex? Be supportive of their questions.
6. Your child is not your emotional support blanket.
Do not give them adult problems or adult angry answers. Yes this may sound like it contradicts the last example, and yet this is so important. Finding a balance between answering their questions and explaining the divorce is important. Your problems should not become theirs. Your worries about finances, losing social connections, your exes’ new boyfriend/girlfriend, or when you will see them on the holidays are all very valid concerns, but they are not for your child to hear or help you process. They are for you to work out, as best you can and explain to them any changes that they may see because of the divorce. Find a good therapist to help you grieve the loss that divorce puts you through. Do not let your child become your therapist at any age.
7. Show them healthy coping skills.
Its okay that they see their parents upset. This is an upsetting time. Share what you are doing to help yourself feel better. Whether it’s a walk outside when you are feeling down, a dinner with friends, a yoga class, or reading a good book under a blanket. If your ways of coping with the pain are healthy, your children will learn from your behavior. Telling them to “go have fun” and then not showing them you are trying to do the same, will have other implications.
8. Learn to tolerate your ex.
Whatever it is, is it worth making your children feel any tension between you and your ex? Children are innocent beings that can sense and feel energy more than a conditioned adult. Never underestimate a child’s ability to know that you are mad at your ex. Imagine what a child thinks when he has a soccer game, his newly divorced parents arrive to watch the game, and there is a tension between his parents. He leaves in one parent’s car after watching his parents ignore each other or glare in one anothers direction. He’s upset, not because of the soccer game, but because if he hadn’t played soccer then maybe his parents wouldn’t have HAD to see one another or gotten into one more argument. He blames himself for having any activities that both parents have to attend and thinks about all the ways he can prevent this in the future. He just wants to make this better for his parents, so they won’t be upset anymore.
9. Give time, time.
New routines, new homes, new beds, and new people all feel uncomfortable at first. With time, if both parents are able to co-parent, seek counsel and find a middle path children will adapt. Children are resilient beings by nature, and with the correct nurturing they will thrive through difficult times.
10. Think about the holidays and new traditions and plan for them as much as possible.
Feelings are often hurt during the holidays without a divorce being in the equation. One day your children may grow up and have their own families. How will that look when grandchildren arrive and your children have in-laws to navigate? Thinking that far in the future now may not be necessary, but what is necessary is creating a family culture that places emphasis on holiday traditions that are fair to everyone involved. Plan, and then be as flexible and understanding as possible. Life happens, not every detail you plan will work every year, and that’s okay. Not having a plan and arguing every holiday about who is going where and when will only harm your relationship with your children in the future. The holidays are often times children remember most, so making it run as smoothly as possible will help create more positive memories around traditions.